Lately, I have been trying and pushing myself not to think of what’s happening and what will be happening in my life. It started a couple of months ago after receiving a shocking news. Something that I have never imagined. And after that news, a lot of thungs started to be unstable. Every day was a constant fear and worry, that anytime I would receive again a much greater news that I would never want to receive.
That constant fear and worry made me think of a lot of what ifs. It was not a fear just for myself but for my whole family. A foreboding darkness and sadness.
But I could not show that fear, that worry, that sadness.
I know in myself that I need to be strong for my family. I can’t show that vulnerability because I know I am the only one who can give him encouragement to stay strong. So I need to show that I am stable.
However, deep inside me, I was also fighting to stay strong. To be composed every time he relayed the results because I am his support.
That is why I tried to stop myself from thinking about the what ifs.
I know I don’t have the ability to change anything. Despite being in the medical field…
All I can do is pray…
To stay faithful…
That’s the only thing that I hold to keep going…
And then tonight I have heard this song that I haven’t heard for a long time…
“Take me out of the dark, my Lord”
Listening to it, I realised this exactly my prayer…
“Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
‘Cause I just forget
You won’t give me what I can’t bear
Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don’t wanna be there”
This made me cry in silence…
I know the days ahead are still unknown.
But I continuously pray for a good outcome.
I’m hoping in my heart… my prayers will be heard.
I know these gloomy days will hopefully have sunshine ahead.
Little Cozy Solace 
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