Little Cozy Solace

Just got home from work, it was a very busy shift. Body aching, feet swollen and just overall worn out and feeling defeated.

In times like this… Sometimes it just makes me question…

Why did I chose to become a nurse? Why did I chose ICU?

Which also makes me wonder… What if I followed what my mom wanted? For me to be an accountant… would my life be different? Will I be this tired?

All this questions just hang in my head, still unanswered.

Why???

Because there’s just no definite answer.

Regretting from previous decision is too late. Way way to late.

Becoming a nurse was not my dream, it was never on my list of courses to choose from when I was choosing a degree in college.

But it was just the most convenient for me at that time.

And I guess it worked out in the end. I ended up enjoying the profession. And now, I can’t think of anything else to do, other than just being a nurse. Also, I guess I won’t be in this country if I was not a nurse.

So guess… being a nurse is just what was meant for me. It was my fate.

But enough of that… it’s no use regretting now.

Let’s get to the point of why I feel this way.

The main reason is…

“I AM FEELING SO DRAIN!!!”

Physically tired and emotionally – just trying to be detached on all the emotions I felt today.

I know this physical tiredness can be rested overnight. I can lie on the bed and rest my bone-tired body and get up again tomorrow having enough energy to work again.

But emotionally? I guess it will just be another day to forget or ignore or accept.

IGNORE the emotions I felt today after I have heard families crying for their lost love ones because as a nurse we need to keep our self composure.

FORGET the emotions that was disregarded during a cardiac arrest that was not revived because we need to focus in saving that person.

And just ACCEPT that there are days that you succeed and there are just days that you don’t despite doing everything you can.

It is not everyday…

I know it is not everyday that we have a bad day like this.

We still have a lot of good days.

But…

Those days where you do a CPR while silently praying for the patient to please just come back and have a pulse but you still end up beaten by death.

It just hits you hard…

But… tomorrow is another day… today is a lesson…

Hopefully tomorrow it’s different…

My prayers for the patients we have lost today and their families.